Isn't it hard?

Adopting an older child doesn't come without some challenges (for everyone), but from what I've seen, nothing really great comes easy. Not to mention, while we've had our tough times, doesn't every family?

From Chapter 12:

I’ve read a plethora of books and attended many work related trainings on what it means to grow up surrounded by drug abuse, violence and poverty. Studies show that children raised in domestic violence households are going to have issues with delayed emotional maturation. Children cannot emotionally develop while simultaneously fearing for the safety and well being of their caretaker—the person who ensures their own safety. These children are paralyzed in a state of crisis and instinctively function in survival mode.

Additionally, it is not uncommon for parents with drug problems to neglect their children’s needs; they may not be capable of responding to their children in the manner necessary for healthy development. For example, babies cry when they need attention. However, if crying doesn’t elicit a response, they will eventually quit doing so. Instead, they will learn to self soothe. Over time, they’ll stop noticing when they need attention, eventually becoming disconnected with their feelings altogether. Sadly, while this is a coping skill that they must have in order to survive their early years, this same coping mechanism will be a grave detriment in the years to come.

All children will adjust their expectations of normal based on what they are exposed to on a daily basis. If normal is periods of crying, screaming and violence intermixed with periods of outright neglect, then over time, children will adapt accordingly. They’ll learn that as long as this exists, there is no need for alarm. However, the bell will go off if the scenario changes regardless of whether or not it shifts to something healthier. Thus, while a loving environment devoid of chaos might be ideal for a child, it will cause a child accustomed to crisis to feel anxious and insecure. It takes time to get comfortable with the new environment.

And while four years might be enough time for a six year old, it’s not even close for someone who is fifteen. The fact that Mychael and Malcolm have adjusted as well as they have proves that they are remarkable—something in which I frequently remind them. I make sure they know that kids raised in much more controlled and ideal circumstances would not be nearly as resilient. I repeatedly let them know that I am confident that in the long run, they will surpass everyone else.

The initial adjustment is going to be rough. You’re going to have to work twice as hard as everyone else. But it will get easier and by the time you’re out of college, you’ll be blowing by everyone else. You’ve already learned some extremely advantageous life skills…ones that most of your peers will never understand. So just be patient and have faith because your time will come. That much I can promise. I believe in you.